I came home, physically, from my adventure in Mexico in late January. Surprisingly, a short-term psychiatric nursing job in my own town had become available. However, not expecting to have work nearby, I had sublet my home sweet home to someone else. I was temporarily homeless, belongings stuffed into a motel room, and no idea where I would end up.
The job had unexpected duties and expectations. For as long as I can remember I have avoided work that involves high volume customer service. I have been a researcher, a writer, a planner, a consultant in a quiet office with other people who answer the phones. Once in awhile a call would get transferred to me.
As a psychiatric nurse, I am good with patients in need of kindness and structure as their minds clear from mental distress. In this new ‘nursing’ job I am in front of a window where troubled people seek all kinds of things and the phone rings every 30 seconds, in addition to the usual nursing duties. Behind me are six or seven colleagues who are talking, seemingly at once. My brain can’t hear its own thoughts and I lose track of what I’m doing in the midst of so many interruptions and so much noise. It is like working in a bowling alley where every sound reverberates.
It is hard to be kind. Sometimes I am not. Many times I don’t feel anything. I pray to just get through the day.
I am so tired when I get home I flop on the couch and stare at the TV. My mind is so overstimulated that I don’t sleep well, making things worse the next day.
I committed to writing a blog post every other week.
Not happening. I’m so sorry. This ‘expert’ on resilience can’t find hers
I work with patients with PTSD. My nervous system’s reaction in this situation is post-trauma-like. It is hard to be here, hard to be present, I want to run, or at least not answer the phone again right now.
A consolation is that I lucked into a wonderful temporary home that is so cozy and comfortable. It is my refuge. One night, reading in my magically comfortable temporary bed, I ask again for help from my Divine Beloved. Words from a poem rise off the page and into my soul…..
Please come home, please come home
Find the place where your feet know where to walk
And follow your own trail home
Please come home, please come home into your own body
Your own vessel, your own earth
Please come home into each and every cell……
Something clicked into place. I remembered who I am and how to be ‘home’ to myself. I discover sound healing to settle my rattled brain. I get chiropractic attention to ‘reset’ my upset nervous system. I request a schedule that is better for me. I get not quite what I ask for, but it’s better
I am better
I am myself again.
For anyone else who needs to find their way ‘home’, here is the entire poem Please Come Home, by Jane Hooper as cited by Cynthia Bourgeault in her book The Wisdom Way of Knowing: Reclaiming an Ancient Tradition to Awaken the Heart (2003, Jossey-Bass, pp 38-40)
Please Come Home. by Jane Hooper.
Please come home. Please come home.
Find the place where your feet know to walk
And follow your own trail home.
Please com home. Please come into your own body,
Your own vessel, your own earth.
Please come home into each and every cell
And fully into the space that surrounds you.
Please come home. Please come home to trusting yourself,
and your instincts and your ways and your knowings,
And even the particular quirks of your personality.
Please come home. Please come home and once you are firmly there,
please stay home awhile and come to deep rest within.
Please treasure your home. Please love and embrace your home.
Please get a deep, deep sense of what it’s like to be truly home.
Please come home. Please come home and when you’re really, really ready,
And there’s a detectable urge on the outbreath, then please come out.
Please come home and please come forward.
Please express who you are to us, and please trust us
To see you and hear you and touch you
and recognize you as best we can.
Please come home. Please come home and let us know
all the nooks and crannies that are calling to be seen.
Please come home, and let us know the More
that is there that wants to come out.
Please come home. Please come home,
and when you feel yourself home, please welcome us too.
for we too forget that we belong and are welcome,
and that we are called to express and fully and be who we are.
Please come home. Please come home,
you and you and you and me.
Thank you Earth for welcoming us,
and thank you touch of eyes and ears and skin,
touch of love for welcoming us.
May we wake up and remember who we truly are.
Please come home. Please come home. Please come home.